Woes of Talking Straight

I think the title of this post can be converted to one blogging category by itself.

I am direct and I am always being direct. Worst deal is, it is the same level of directness to EVERYONE once I start chatting comfortably. I tend to forget the acceptance level of my audience and the readiness of their feedback.

Well, the conclusion I am getting from all that directness, is that people generally do not like others being too direct with them and are not so forthcoming when it comes to pointing out the other party's directness. I have to agree that I am part of this generalisation even as I tell everyone to be direct with me. Truth be told, I like my words cushioned and sugar coated, they land better on my ears. Yet this is a skill which I will never attain.

The start of all these thoughts is a conversation with some colleagues earlier. It was about bad times, bonuses and pay adjustments. I gasped at the mention of pay cut. Personally, I am struggling with over-expenditure and lack of saving so pay cut was on my taboo-words-list. So one of the high-flyers was saying that Chmn should give us our Performance Bonus but take it back in light of the bad economy, instead of not giving anything at all. She rationalised that this would signal a recognition of our efforts, yet a good measure for the downturn. Colleague S replied with a Chinese proverb that meant to say that the suggested measure was just a disguise. Miss Big Mouth (yours truly) had to chip in to say that I only cared about the movement in my bank account. *gasp! My mercenary statement must have swept the jaws of the patriots off. There was actually silence for 5 seconds around the table.

If you look into my heart and just peer at the surface, you will see that I am a true blue, or red, patriot and definitely pro-establishment! I work not only for the money, but for the good of the people I am serving. I don't even monitor how much I am getting from the Board! To illustrate that, everytime I had to fill in my annual salary, I had to refer to my confirmation letter for the monthly salary. I just take confort in knowing that the numbers are climbing slowly. I would be willing take a smaller pay if that is going to help the economy! What I really meant is that people here are smart and will definitely look through the disguise. The outcome is they would feel like they are being treated like ignorant kids by Uncle Chmn and become more resentful.

Of course, such PC and acceptable words will forever remain in my mind only. This also explains why I am in the black book of the boss and my relationship is in a mess.

On a not-so-separate note, since the 1st week of Jan, I have a good mind to move away from this blog. I am stifled where I am in the open as I feel obliged to say the right things. And upon evaluation, it seems I have lost all avenues to talk straight without facing the dire consequences. I now understand why people keep diaries that never saw the light of day. I want one which I can pen down my true thoughts, true feelings. This will be where I write about how I wish I can pick my nose in the office mid-day, how I have secret fantasies about that cute guy on the streets, how stinking my shit was, etc. We'll see.

Awake With Disappointment

I checked, as often as I could, there was nothing.
No initiation, just short curt replies.
I will the pain to stop, to no avail.

ostrich

I'm an ostrich. But I did not bury my head deep enough. I cannot breathe in the dampness of the soil.

Compromise

Must life always always be about compromises?

Dinner Plan Wrecked

We used to have dinner as a family outside on a weekly basis. I felt most pampered during those days. I was recognised by friends at the table as the eldest daughter, always the most obedient and diligent one. It was a special time of my childhood.

Now that I am earning, I want to do my part as the eldest. I want to bring everyone out to dinner, never mind how huge the bill might be. Yet such a simple thing can face endless obstacles. At the end of the day, the surprise cake goes to waste, the reservations has to be cancelled, the anticipation dampened and the chance to feel like a normal family again flies out of the window.

When will I wake up to acknowledge that we will NEVER EVER revert to being normal again, by any definition?